Saturday, December 22, 2007

Ho, Ho, What a Ho

Forget nukes or environmental damage, the 20th century's greatest enduring legacy is our refinement of 'marketing'. Given that insanity, we need to change our formerly pagan seasonal holiday from being some wishy-washy family-oriented value-inspired celebration of some kid born well over 2000 years ago, to one that celebrates the real modern values of Christmas: the power of Marketing!

After all -- like lemmings to a cliff -- we succumb to the propaganda wave year after year, buying tonnes of useless stuff for each other so that we can either immorally re-gift it, or just toss it into our basements to await the untold years and inches of dust buildup, before someone else comes along and dumps it into a land fill site where it really should have been sent earlier.

They say Christmas was an early propaganda attempt to sway the hordes from celebrating their drunken festivals -- such as Saturnalia -- which would make it a very early form of mass marketing. An historic spin-fest. One that has received a lot of effort over the years, which is even more interesting if you believe one of my own insane quotes:

"Marketing increases with necessity. The more they try to convince you, the more skeptical you should become." -- me.

As the forces of 'good' and 'boringness' have had their hands full over the centuries trying to tip the balance towards something more pious, we still pack the malls angrily in search of that last damn gift to finish off our ever-growing -- but never again -- list of materialistic obligations. Mindless followers of the great bellowing voice, laughing at us.

Santa commands that we buy only the latest and greatest bits of electronics and plastics. Santa commands that we eat fatty foods. Santa commands that we spend more than we earn. There is more. Santa commands an awful lot, but I'm just tired of typing it into the stupid computer.

Through the power of marketing he appears in so many ways in our life to tell us what we, our families and our friends need most this year. He even consults us on how to 'charitize' our incomes properly across the largest number of causes. Is nothing sacred? Oh yea, it ain't. Not even me: buy lots more of whatever I'm selling or just promote me to the world. I still can't afford a mansion or a yacht yet. And don't forget in this holiday season to aggressively market your own family and friends. If you can't find a way to commercialize them, how are you going to afford all of that crap you bought and gave away? Who'd notice if you sold a relative or two?

Turn off, tune out and listen to the vocal styling of the man in red. Santa says "it doesn't matter what Simon says anymore, buy more stuff this year". Buy lots. Go crazy. You can't resist the hype and a big bushy white beard, can you?

So have a Merry Marketing Day and a Happy New Shopping Year. And don't forget to light a candle for all of the those things that you really wanted, but couldn't afford this year; hopefully you'll win the lottery in the next one.

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